I want to apologize for appearing to be flawless. Having it all together 24-7.
The truth is. I am a Doer. I get shit done. I am a machine. I have mastered masking my flaws because I have conditioned myself to press through. Why? Being less than scares me. I also have learned that THIS has made me un-relatable to most, and that makes me sad. But it is MY TRUTH.
At an early age, I learned what the word workaholic stood for. I wasn’t a child with massive goals or dreams. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t have an identity, but a workaholic was something that I could relate to because that was a term that described my father to a T.
I never made straight A’s. I was friends with the popular girls in school but always overlooked. I was THE underdog and ugly duckling. Boys didn’t consider me UNTIL my 10th grade year when my body decided to blossom.
Yes, I was stacked in the front and the back with long natural hair. Then all of sudden, I become a person of interest, and that pissed me off. I had spent so many years being overlooked and downplayed that I didn’t know how to embrace being wanted.
I have always said that I wasn’t girly because the truth is I never felt good enough to permit myself to feel pretty and to tap into my feminity. Feelings or expressing them made me feel that I was weak or less than. Feelings are so unpredictable, and they have always made me act out of character. So I have gotten excellent and suppressed them because I never felt like my feelings mattered anyway, so why focus on them?
My inability to process my feelings because of the FEAR of being judged for not having it all together has caused a great deal of anxiety. I became obsessed with worrying about how other people perceived me. I wanted to be liked and accepted. So I have mastered being a people pleaser, and along the way, I lost myself.
People are fucking judgemental, and it can be crippling.
Seven years ago, I wrote down on a piece of paper that I wanted to earn $100k in 12 months. It has taken me seven years to accomplish that. WHY?
Not because I didn’t have the resources or didn’t know how to achieve that specific financial goal.
I couldn’t get there until NOW because even though I wanted it, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of making that kind of money and felt like IF I made that kind of money, wouldn’t I be able to sustain that level of success. ie. I worried about looking like a FOOL.
Being a single parent is a whole new level of mind fuck.
People 20 question me about WHY I send my tiny humans to school since I work from home.
People pry into my personal life, continuously figuring out the “relationship” that I might or might not have with their father.
People always tell me that I can’t or won’t be able to do it all by myself for much longer than I am going to have to FOLD and find myself a husband to have benefits. And Yeah, people have said some really crazy shit to me.
I don’t have health insurance as an entrepreneur, so I am a cash-paying patient, and I only go to the doctor for yearly check-ups, and when I have to. I worry about what would happen if I had an emergent situation. Thankfully, my children have insurance via their dad, but I sometimes worry that I don’t get adequate check-ups as frequently as I should because of a lack of benefits. (This is a real stress) AND I KNOW
I can see if I could qualify for Obamacare, but then I make too much money to afford anything that can fit into my already tight budget. So then I have to pick and choose what bills to pay. Health care seems to be the only expense that I put off because well back to lack of self-worth at times. But thankfully, I have been making it all work.
People assume that I married because all the pieces of my life seem to run like a well oiled a machine, and they can’t understand how I am getting it all done by myself or with limited help, aka my nanny. Because for some reason the narrative of single-parenthood means that I should be struggling on all fronts. So how dare I afford to take my kids to swim class, have a nanny, live in a gated community in a brand new house that I purchased when I was 28 before I had kids with a credit score of 780 and have “it” all as a single mom..cue the sarcasm… Because I am supposed to be broke down and busted according to most people’s limited, stereotypical viewpoints.
I don’t talk negatively about my children’s father in public, so they assume that my relationship with him is harmony. AND when I don’t overshare or tell things that aren’t anyone’s business, people tend to feel like I am faking a good life. No, I am not messy, and what goes on over here isn’t for everyone to know, umkay. I would NEVER disrespect my children’s father in public. What kind of example would I be setting for my sons? Sure, I do NOT like a LOT of things, but I respectfully handle that in private.
I have anxiety because I get tired of being ON all of the time. Motherhood gets HARD. I love my boys, but some days I am mentally drained. Being the provider and breadwinner is not sexy. Shit, I do want a man to come in and take care of us all, but until I am presented with a situation that is healthy and right, imma keep winging it on my own.
I worry about am I good enough to call my self a consultant.
I worry about if I have shortchanged my children’s lives because I had them out of wedlock. And I don’t care that it is 2018 and women are doing this and that. I was raised southern baptist, and I have a certain programming that makes me FEEL like a failure. I am in the midst of un-learning a lot of things. I compare my situation to my parents, and I refuse to give my boys less because I am a single parent. But that is physically taxing.
I worry about losing my house and losing my footing. Sometimes losing my sanity because I am happy and thriving in most areas of my life, but in my personal life, motherhood is NOT enough I want and crave companionship. Still, then I worry about dating and meeting a man who might disrupt what my boys and I have and might not be an excellent addition.
I overthink my business growth strategies, BUT once I am confident, I execute.
I get so stuck in the hamster wheel of lack some days that I am paralyzed at the thought of living a fulfilling carefree life because who the fuck am I without stress.
I have become dependent on stress.
I want to host a conference one day, but I worry about who would come. I want to host more live events, but then I worry about who would come. I want to be more visible on social media, and then I worry about someone attacking my genius because maybe I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about. Because people are just rude.
I worry about being in the rat race of success. I worry about letting my children down because I might lose my ability to provide.
ALL of this wears me down, and it slows down my momentum to where I become indecisive, and then I do NOTHING. I tell myself, “I don’t know” when that is a LIE.
Most days, I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it to achieve my goal, but then nothing happens because I get overwhelmed with all of the moving parts that have to take place in order for me to achieve the said goal.
The ONE thing that I have mastered besides masking my pain, insecurities, and feelings is the ability to COACH my damn self. Yes, I sit in my feelings for days, but there comes a time where a switch goes off in my head, and I remind myself IF I don’t get it done, then my boys and I will not have access to a comfortable lifestyle anymore.
Lately, I have been doing the due diligence of addressing my self-doubt. I have been giving myself permission to be and indulge in self-care. But I had to hit an emotional rock bottom and had several bouts of anxiety attacks before I got to this place.
There have been days where I had to move money around to make ends meet.
There are days where I turned down business because I didn’t feel good enough.
There are days where I wasted hours because of self-doubt.
There have been days where I beat myself up because I couldn’t provide a two-parent household experience for my boys the way I had envisioned and felt shitted on.
I have learned to address my feelings. I have learned to start PROCESSING my feelings.
I don’t wear makeup daily because it is more important to show up and connect with the right people so that I can PROVIDE for my boys. I am tired. Dolling myself up daily is an extra step that I don’t want to submit to daily.
I left corporate America because I didn’t want to fit into a box. It irritates me that people judge my ability or intelligence because of physical presence, and that makes me want to rebel.
I want to show women just like me who struggle with overwhelm that perfectionism isn’t real, and it is a real danger to a person’s state of mind. Just show the fuck up, and your tribe will love and embrace you just the way you are. Shit, I know how to dress to the nines if I am required to step out, but that is NOT how I want to present myself daily. I work from home, and I thrive in my comfort: messy hair and two-day-old clothes.
I had to decide to hit six figures in 12 months, and I had to push myself to do the work every day without fail regardless of my feelings, and I made it, but I have been left depleted.
So in this next phase of my life, I am pushing to hit multi-six figures until I hit the million-dollar mark, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself.
So Imma shows up more as a functional hot mess as Nicole Walters says and be ME.
I have a lot of say in all business areas and being a single momma trying to find my way.
I still have debt, and I will not feel like I made it until that debt is gone, and I am in a position to GIVE and not have to count my coins worried about IF I overspent.
I am a real person with real struggles.
I hope that you give me a real chance to get to know me and allow me to get to know you.
There is nothing that you can tell me that I have not dealt with.
I feel so good now that I have gotten this off my chest.
You will hear me talk more about mindset and mental health because that shit is essential.
Imma stops right here for now.
I am a Business Systems Strategist
I can help you grow your business if…
You are ready to escape burn out, work with the right clients, increase your profits, and save time.
I work with service-based professionals and entrepreneurs.
If you want to work with someone who is going to give it to you straight and if you are ready to sharpen your ax.
